Repost from one of my old blogs. Originally posted on July 17, 2019.
In 2019 I participated in an online writing workshop with Amherst Writer’s and Artists. One of these days I will be able to afford to take the certification classes to run my own workshops. We would get a starting line and then run with it.
This is one of the prompts we were given.
It takes a while for our experience to sift through our consciousness…
Like when I gave birth to my son and experienced post-partum depression. All you know is the moment. It makes perfect sense tat the time. The, a few years later, you see the pictures. Read the words you wrote. Remember some of what you said or why you make certain decisions and you realize how things truly were.
It made sense to me to be overprotective. It made sense to me to not ever let him out of my sight. Now, 14 years later, that very first year is a blur. I have little memory of our first year together as mother and son, as a family other than it being hard, that it was too much. That I wanted to leave.
I don’t have the same problem with my daughter. I knew how hard it had been the firs time. I sought help, got better. I remember. I will always regret not getting help with my son. Then again, I do remember trying. I remember telling the doctor and being told I had to go elsewhere for help. I remember being devastated.
The funny thing is how trauma sifts through the filter of time. How a young love was toxic, but realized too late. How stubbornness was really helplessness. How things were much worse than they seemed.
The good thing is how it allows you to forgive yourself. To not make the same mistakes. To learn and do better. Maya Angelou once said, “When you know better, you do better.” It is in the distance that we learn.